R and I have majority custody of E ... that you know ... but what you don't know is about her mother ...I must preface ... I am NOT going to talk bad about her mother or the decisions that she makes ... that is not what I am about on this blog ... what I am about is dealing with things that may come up or that have come up that may help someone in my similar situation.
I need to digress again ... well ... E has been at her moms this weekend ... she promised to bring her back in time for school ... however, something came up and she is now unable to do so. Yes ... R and I talked about it ... as we were talking I was saying things that he said were coming straight out of his own thoughts ... haven't I mentioned before that we practically share the same brain ... So R decided that he needed to text his/our thoughts to Es mom ... her first response was to tell him that she sees that he has been talking to me ... well ... I ... um ... yea.
What is hard about being a step mom is that you are now the bad guy ... from all sides ... It was not as if R and I were saying anything negative to her ... honestly ... we were only telling her our thoughts on teaching E while young the importance of education and following through with her commitments ... also ... it was not as if I was the only one with an input about the situation ... texting was Rs idea ... his words ... our thoughts.
This is not how it is seen though ... bad guy = me ... regardless of how it really happens ... I don't know how I feel about this ... Its like I am stunned ... I don't know what to say ... I don't know how to react ... I shouldn't react should I ... I know that this is a fact of life ... I have said before that it is even in Disney movies ... step-mom = evil ... I think I just wish that there was something that I could do to change this notion ... I think I wish that the "real" mom would see that I am just trying to do what is best for baby ... that my main concern ... strike that ... my only concern ... is for baby ... for her well being ... you see ... I love her ... I may hate the situation ... but I love her ... regardless of any situation ... she has been in my life for the past three years ... there is no way you could not love someone after that long ... especially with how wonderful E is ... it only takes a week with her. But there are times where I am the bad guy with her ... and now I am the bad guy with her mom ... oh wait ... I guess I have always been the bad guy ...
But I am selfish ... I don't want it to be that way ... In a way I still have that disease to please ... I don't want anyone to think badly of me ... I want it to be all flowers and unicorns ... but it can't be like that can it ... this world isn't about having people like you ... not everyone is going to like you ... circumstances in life change the ability to have everyone like you ... It really is just not possible ... but is it so bad to want that? no ... I don't think it is ... but it is foolish to do all you can to make someone like you ... at some point it is too much to try to do.
Es mom and I will always be civil ... we will always talk nice to each other ... but I don't think that we will ever really be friends ... I think that I am getting to a point where I am ok with that ... I am ok with standing up for what I believe in when it comes to the raising of E ... I want the best for her ... and I am not afraid to fight for it ... even if that means that I am the bad guy.
Things to take away:
- It is ok to be the bad guy when you are fighting for the right cause - Lets be honest ... step-parents are the bad guys ... and if you are fighting for the right to give your step-child drugs then you really are the bad guy ... but if all you are doing is looking out for their growth and development in the most positive and healthy ways then I think it is ok to be seen as the bad guy.
- Don't back down because you want to make everyone happy - you have to put the best interests of the child in your heart and run with them ... when you marry the parent of a child you become a "real" parent ... their child is now official your child ... congratulations it is a girl ... so you need to treat them as if they are your own child ... I am sure we have all heard stories of mothers lifting one ton trucks of their babies ... you have to become that mother ... the more advocates for love and health a child has the better.
- Don't let someone thinking you are a bad guy get you down - I struggle with this ... I mean ... isn't that evident ... I am the one rambling on about the topic because we just got a text that made it seem like I am the bad guy ... I am not a duck ... harsh words don't run of my back like water does a duck ... I hurt ... I bleed ... I obviously have mental break-downs ... but just because someone thinks I am bad doesn't mean that I am ... remember ... and repeat it to yourself ofter ... that you fight because you love the child ... if you didn't care you wouldn't get frustrated over any situation. you care ... sue yourself ... remember that ... your bad because you care ... and that will sound ridiculous so maybe that will help that weird feeling you get in your heart when you find out that you are the bad guy.
So sorry! It sucks sometimes, doesn't it? I know how you feel. From day 1, my step son has been told that I am not and will never be his family (along w/ the rest of my family), he is not to even like, let alone love me, etc. etc. etc. But I feel like with time, he is able to see the picture for himself and form his own observations and feelings, and in the end, the more you show your love and do what is right for your child, she will see things more clearly as well and be able to do the same. I always felt like if my stepson's mom and i could just talk it out we'd come to this great place, all sunshine and roses (and unicorns, I think you added :) ), but you know, that's just not how it is, and not how it ever will be. So be it. You're right, it's ok to be the bad guy sometimes, and you know you're doing right by your child. That's all that matters in the end (whether anyone else sees it that way or not.) We can bond together as the evil, loser step-parents :) (and in my case, maybe yours too, Chris is an evil/loser parent as well, the boy's mom sees no purpose or need in him having a dad....it's an all uphill battle).
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