"I have been changed for good ..."

I lost a friend today ... well ... didn't lose ... our paths just won't cross anymore on a weekly basis ... my dear friend moved to Salt Lake today. It is sad ... when someone is no longer in your daily life ... especially when that person has become such a good friend ... someone who carries some of the same burdens you do ... someone who you can talk to about them and never ever feel judged ... just feel understood. I am so grateful for every time I was able to chat with you Sarah! You always knew what to say to make me feel like less of a bad person ... you and your beautiful family will never be forgotten by us Combes.

On Sunday we had a family party at my mother in laws for both my father in law and myself ... one of the gifts I got was a CD from that same wonderful mother in law ... at first I was like ... whoa ... CD ... alrighty ... but holy cow ... I put this CD on in my car and it has been playing ever since ... it's Broadway ... for those of you wondering ... and it is fabulous!! Ok, ok, I know what you are thinking ... what does this story have to do with my initial story ... well ... let me tell you ... on that CD it has "For Good" from Wicked on there.

Don't know what I mean yet? Well ... I'll help you out ... listen to this (and try not to cry while you think of all of your old friends):

I know ... killer right ... it is the ringtone that my sister has for her best friend ... The first time I heard it I was with my BFF ... I looked at her and could only smile because I knew how true it all was ... it is one of my favorite songs from all of Broadway ... it suits so many relationships that so many people have. People may only be with us for a short time ... or they can be with us a long time before out paths diverge ... but no matter how long the encounter may be, those who you associate with will always hold the ability to help you change and grow. I feel this way about so many people ... I still remember my entire elementary school class ... my first crush ... my lacrosse team and everyone on it ... and how I hung out with every choir person in TX but was never in choir myself. Each and every one of these people ... who I remember so vividly ... shaped me into who I am  ... those who I meet from this day forward will help shape me into who I am supposed to be.

Even those hard times ... with those people who may not be the kindest to you ... they help you too. Even those people who we think we will only ever hate ... they change us too.  I will forever be grateful to my ex-husband ... because of who he was I was able to gain strength ... able to grow ... to change.

And with that I want to thank all of you who have been in my life ... who I have known for a long time ... who I only knew for a short time ... I am grateful for you all and the impact that you have had on my life.

And with that my friend ... I bid you goodnight ... remember to be thankful tonight for every person who has come and gone from your life ... they have helped you more than you know.

Can Moms Follow Their Dreams?

Ok ... so I know that the title of this post may be silly ... I mean ... of course moms can follow their dreams ... duh ... what kind of question is that ... but seriously ... it is serious for me ... I am so not joking! Ha!

I think that I am with every new first time mom when I say that this ... holy crap it is so much harder than I expected! Shout out to all you moms out there ... I seriously did not know that it was this time consuming and draining! Don't get me wrong ... I have been a babysitter plenty of times ... I knew it would not be easy ... but I never knew it would be this cray cray! Childless friends ... you are in for a crazy ride when you have kiddos!!

Aside from that, what I really wanted to talk about was following dreams. One to many times I have let the decisions I have made in my life hold me back from fully attacking my dreams. I realize that I choose R ... and I would do it again every single time ... with R came E ... I didn't realize that I had put my dreams (once again) on the back burner.

The other day I was flipping around instagram ... I don't know why but I decided to search some celebrities out ... seriously ... this is so out of character for me ... I am not really a celebrity follower ... if you looked at the people I follow who are celebrities about two weeks ago it only consisted of that really cute blonde girl who I don't even know what show she is on ... but I wanted my hair cut like her ... and so I followed her so I could show my hair stylist ... no joke ... then a couple weeks ago I decided to follow Chelsie Hightower because I love to see how Mormons can function with the stress of stardom (even though her star may only be as bright as her dancing career ... I still think it is pretty cool!) ... wow ... back on track ... I was perusing and all of a sudden I wanted to see if that one guy who played Jess of Gilmore Girls had one ... don't ask me why ... it came from no where! So I searched ... he is there ... I stalked his pictures ... wow ... the whole time I was sitting there flipping way back all of this one thousand something photos all I can think is "holy crap ... that's art ... that is beautiful" ... of course ... I flipped back to my page ... I mean ... I considered myself an artist once ... there has to be something ... wait ... no ... at least ninety five percent of the pictures I have taken are of the child or something we ate ... or ... well ... yea ... you get the point ... I was so sad that I just let art slip out of my life! It happened quietly ... I almost didn't notice it ... if it wasn't for good ol' Jess (soo much better than Logan ... for sure who Rory should have ended up with) ... I didn't notice that when I had become a mom I had let my dreams slip ... I love photography ... I want a camera so bad that I can taste it (another one of those sitting in the fire until we have money things) ... how could I let something that I clung to so tightly just slip away from me? It is not like it was intentional ... it's not like E came up to me when she got here and told me that I could no longer do what I love because all of my attention had to be on her.

I was sad when I saw it ... I felt like a piece of me was missing ... I couldn't believe that I just let go ... I missed art ... I missed finding beauty in the mundane ... I even missed my crude teachers who shoved naked bodies down my throat (that sounded bad). I was so wrapped up in everyday life ... making life work for E and R ... how could I put myself in my own pocket while I chased around everyone else's security? Truth is I think that this is not so uncommon.

This is something that I am sure happens to adults everywhere ... subconsciously we forgo our dreams as we grow up. I think it is sad really ... when we are young we are told that we can do anything we want ... when we grow up we realize that real life takes over ... our dreams get shoved aside in order to survive, to raise children, to make money, etc. ... but why can't we live them? Why can't I take my dinky little camera on my phone and make some amazing art? Why can't I write a book ... or a newspaper article (be the new Carrie Bradshaw ... but without the random sex with random guys)? Why can't I create my center for battered woman and addiction recovery? Why can't I change the world?

The answer is ... I can ... you can ... sometimes you have to get creative ... sometimes you have to use the camera on your phone ... sometimes things will take years ... sometimes you have to write a blog instead ... sometimes you have to get new dreams ... either way ... your dreams can come true!

Whew ... I was worried for a little bit in the middle there that I would not be able to make this post come full circle ... but I did it! So let's just jump to the next section ...

Things to take away:

1. You can follow your dreams. First and foremost you have to recognize this fact ... dreams are never unreachable ... unless you are dead ... but even then I am sure that God negotiates (don't remember what movie that is from ... points to anyone who can tell me!).
2. It is ok to get creative. There are many ways to accomplish the same dream ... even if you don't take the most obvious or popular route just enjoy the journey whichever way it might take you ... and be excited that no matter what steps you take you are still one step closer to reaching that elusive dream of yours!
3. Break out of your subconscious. Day to day life can get monotonous ... it is so easy to forget what you want to do and where you want to be in your life ... the forsaking of dreams can happen without even knowing ... shake yourself out of it ... no matter what it takes ... remember your dreams ... when you feel that ah-ha moment (just like I did that fateful day on instagram) hold onto it ... use that single moment to springboard yourself to who you really want to be.
4. It is ok to change your dream. Dreams change from night to night ... or even from REM cycle to REM cycle ... so why tie yourself down to being that princess you dreamed of when you were five years old? As you grow and change your dreams will do the same ... I may not want to be a princess anymore (unless Harry comes knocking ... ok ... maybe not ... I love R too much) ... but I sure want to have a gallery in downtown NYC feature my pictures for a night. But I am sure that as I grow even more my dreams will change even more. My dreams may even combine with the dreams of my child ... I don't know ... does that happen? Either way ... let change come ... just keep working hard!
5. Don't get discouraged. Remember that you need to find joy in the journey. It is ok if achieving your dreams takes one too many wrong turns ... if achieving them takes longer than you wanted ... if you never are able to achieve them at all. I know I sound like an Elementary school teacher here ... but it can be just as good to try as it is succeed. 

So there you have it! Good luck my friends at achieving your goals ... I know that I am going to try harder to work towards achieving mine! 

Inspiration ...

As I sit here tonight ... five seconds before my hubby will come down the stairs to tell me that the bedtime routine for E is done ... two minutes before my show is over ... and inspiration still hasn't struck me ... I mean ... I have been down here for an hour ... staring at a blinking line on a blank page ... tonight ... I am lost for words ... I have nothing on my mind ... usually there are so many things that I cannot silence them ...  I wake up at four in the morning with words whizzing by my cerebral cortex that I can never seem to quiet ... but tonight ... there is nothing ... and so ... I am deciding to leave you with some pictures ... I took them ... on my phone ... regardless, they represent a time in my life that I am sorely missing ... I miss being an artist ... I think that I will write about that tomorrow ... but for now enjoy these pictures:

                                      

just for funnzies ... lets be honest ... I could totally use one of these lately ... 

haven't shown a picture of my fam in ages ... well ... here we are ... us hiking the Wind Caves over the Summer

I hope you enjoyed my works of photographic art as much as I loved taking them!

goodnight my friends! I love you all!

Holy Cow ... again ...

Can you believe it ... I did it again ... geez ... I need to be on the ball with this whole blog thing ... don't get me wrong ... I love writing ... like ... love ... I don't even really care if I am that good ... and for a girl who cares what people think... even if I don't like to admit it sometimes ... It should really tell you a lot about how much I do love to write ( ... anyway ... like I said ... I just need to get to the point and write.)

So things have been different in the Combe household since our Christmas break ... R had an interview in Texas ... it went well ... really well ... not only that but my dad is good friends with the CIO ... and then we found out that Rs potential boss is a neighbor of my parents ... like ... one house down ... I can't even describe how in we felt ... I mean ... the knowledge, the networking, the amazing interview ... and yet ... a month and a half later we still have heard nothing from them ... heartbroken does not even begin to express how I feel ... I mean ... I felt like we had it ... I pulled away from people in Logan with my heart and head ... for the first two weeks we were back that is (then I realized that it probably wasn't going to happen ... and so I came back) ... I would be completely devastated to leave people here ... especially every single one of my in-laws and my big sister ... but I have been living away from my parents for seven years ... and for a homebody ... well ... it becomes pretty unbearable. I may not like Texas ...but I sure do love my parents ... I would love the chance to live by them. But we didn't even get a call ... not even to tell R he didn't get it ... miserable right.

Aside from that there has been something else ... I mean ... I was just starting to feel like reconnecting with the world and with my wonderful friends ... and then something happened ... E ... well ... she ... umm ... I don't know what happened ... She got very spoiled in Texas ... not with things ... my parents aren't big on buying things ... but with attention ... and you could tell that the whole only child stereotypes were starting to kick in ... we got back on routine ... slowly through that first week back we were all starting to get normal again ... but then E went home to her mom .... I don't know what happened ... but when she got back ... I mean ... there was anger ... it was bad ... I didn't know how to handle it ... I started becoming a recluse again ... I am so sorry for my friends ... and then something else happened ... she never got over the rage ... two weeks later she went to her moms again ... something else happened ... fear ... fear like you wouldn't believe ... things that she had gotten over before (like being able to play in her room if I am downstairs ... or watching a movie through the end of the credits) were back ... and magnified ... if that is at all possible ... now E is having a hard time even being in the dining room if I am in the kitchen (they are the same room separated only by a counter) ...  it is still there ... not the physical rage ... which I might tell you some stories later ... but the fear ... the rage ... I have become such a loner because of it ... I am not sure how to handle it yet ... not sure if she should be around other kids in case she pulls an incredible hulk moment and rages on them like she does me ... I don't want to put a child through that ... I miss my adult time ... but I think that E and I need to figure this all out. She is going to see a counselor ... I know she is only four .. but she has been through a lot in her little life ... not to mention that she has a deadly cocktail of emotional dysfunctions coming at her from both sides ... bipolar depression on her moms side .... anger on her dads ... I think someone she can talk to who has not been there will really help her.

On top of that her mom has become far removed from her ... this weekend will be the third weekend in a row she won't take her ... this was by her choice ... that is all I have to say about that right now

Well ... that is what has been up with us ... I want all you readers out there to know that through it all R and I feel very very blessed! We are so very thankful for all the tender mercies that Heavenly Father bestows upon us ... everyday ... whether on the surface it seems to be a good day or bad day we are thankful for it. Every day E and I spend together is a day that we get closer to getting along ... I mean ... we are required to sit in the refiners fire ... nothing blemished can be in the presence of Heavenly Father ... so we have to be challenged ... we have to be tried. Through those trials we are never left alone ... I am sure that everyone has heard of the story of the footprints in the sand and so I won't tell it again ... I can practically feel the arm of Christ as I lean on him while E and I limp along day by day. I know that we are loved ... I know that we are looked out for ... no matter how long we have to sit in this fire (the E fire ... the car fire ... the Logan fire ... the money fire) I am grateful for everything ... just like my divorce ... it will refine me ... we are slowly becoming who we are supposed to be ... I know that this will not be the only fire we sit in ... and so ... why not focus on the blessings?

Ok ... so that is all for the catch up!

Looking toward the future of this blog I should apologize that the recipes will start being a little sparse ... I am sorry if that is why you read this blog ... they will come back. Recently R and I have had to cut budgets ... with that have gone my ability to experiment with food and crafts ... I can't wait to get back to it ... and I will still be able to do a few ... but just not as many as before. R got a substantial raise in December of last year ... but with all of that wonderful Obama stuff (yay Obama-care) we are actually making twenty dollars less a month this year ... on top of that all of those wonderful student loans that the ex took out came out of their grace period ... therefore ... budget cuts! Note to self ... remember the fire is good!

Alrighty friends! I hope that this catch-up was worth a read! If you have any ideas that could help with E I would absolutely love to hear them!

Have a great night!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

yes ... that title was meant to be sung ... enjoy!

I am not going to post tonight because ... as you can probably already tell ... I have made a couple changes to the look ... and honestly ... it took me forever to finally settle on something that I might like ...

I need honest opinions here people ... I tried to make it more ... well ... generic but not ... let me know what you think!

This kid ... She's gonna be a star!

So ... lets be honest ... if you know anything about my little family you know that within it is a crazy, eccentric, spunky, diva four year old ... she is a woman all of her own ... Their is no way better to describe her than that ... she is completely fantastic ... and here is the proof!

E decided to try her hand at songwriting ... this one minute twenty two second video shows the sheer awesomeness of this child. The song was fifteen minutes long ... not joking ... so about thirteen minutes into it I decided to film her ... she had no clue ... she thought I was playing a game on my phone ... so great ... I hope you enjoy it!

These next two were filmed on Monday night ... after she saw Beyonce perform at the super bowl halftime show ... she officially decided that she wanted to be on the stage ... to be a star ... I smell Rachel Berry ... the real deal ... coming to life ... maybe I need to start buying her gold stars to sign her name with ... extreme? Ok ... maybe ... but you have got to admit ... Beyonces' got nothing on this kid! Side note ... the baldy in the background doing dinner dishes just adds super-swag ... he may even be the best part of these ... but  I might be bias considering i think he is hot ... So  I'll let you be the judge!



I hope you have enjoyed these as much as R and I have! Have a great night my friends!

Easy Chicken Over Pepper Salsa

Tonight I have a special treat ... you will have to check out my next post ... but I have to say ... it will be FABULOUS! But first ... here is yet another recipe to ... brought to you in part by the insistence of the hubby ... and Midwest Living. This recipe is loosely based around the one that I just linked ... due to the fact that I couldn't find blackened steak seasoning ... and ... well ... I'm picky ... so I just went with my gut as to what would taste good ... it seemed to work! Not only was this dish delicious and healthy but it was also beautiful ... and easy!! seriously .. you would not believe how ridiculously easy this is!

Easy Chicken over Pepper Salsa

4 chicken breasts

rotisserie chicken seasoning

Montreal steak seasoning 

1 red bell pepper

1 green bell pepper

1 orange bell pepper

1 yellow bell pepper

cilantro

2 tbsp rice vinegar

2 tbsp olive oil

1 tsp cumin

1/2 pack dry Italian dressing mix

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Season chicken with both rotisserie and steak seasonings (to your hearts desire ... go a little lighter on the steak seasoning ... it't super salty). Place chicken into skillet and brown on either side (give it a nice sear). Put chicken into oven and cook for 15 minutes. While chicken is cooking cut up peppers and cilantro. In a bow whisk together vinegar, oil, cumin and dressing. Stir in peppers and cilantro. From here you just plate you chicken on top of your pepper salsa! 

See ... Easy! Are you dying yet? Well ... wait until you try it! 

a little bit befuddled

Oh Hey!

So, here is it, Sunday! I love the sabbath day ... there is something special about it ...  maybe it is the spirit about it.

I should be folding laundry ... I am in the middle of doing that ... There is just something that has me stuck ... I want to write about it ... but I am not sure I know how without sounding like a pig-headed snob. And so ... as you read this be prepared ... if I offend anyone please know it is not my purpose ... I am just a little bewildered ... I just had to get my feelings about it out.

Tonight R and I decided to watch "The Work and the Glory" ... I have loved this story from the beginning ... it was so well written that I felt like Joseph Smith could have been my best friend ... I haven't finished the book series yet ... only because I am deathly afraid of who might die ... therefore my advancement in those books have been on hold for about ... ummmm ... seven years ... yeaaaa. However, I did manage to get through the first five books ... which gave me the entitlement to watch the movie ... and I have ... many, many times! I really love them ... they had become a sabbath day special for me ... the ex-husband took all three in the divorce ... and so I have not seen them for almost four years ... so you can imagine that when I found them in the stockpile of movies at my in-laws I was super excited ... we are talking jumping up and down here ...  obviously the only option was to borrow them ... and of course watch them immediately!

So ... well ... I absolutely LOVE my religion ... I have the strongest testimony about it ... I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that it is the true church ... I would shout it to the world if I could ... I have no qualms about answering questions or bearing my testimony to anyone who asks ... seriously ... ask me ... I dare you (if I don't know the answer I will get it for you)! This being said, I should now say that I was absolutely floored to learn that few to none of the actors in "The Work and the Glory" series are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (yes, I am so in love with my religion that it is fun and exciting for me to know who believes as I do ... yes, I searched the internet to find out who was and was not Mormon). I don't know why this struck me so hard ... I guess maybe because this story ... the story of Joseph Smith ... is so sacred and special to members of our faith ... but it is also one of the most controversial stories out there.

I guess therein lies the problem that I have with it ... when it comes to something that so many people have so much passion about how can people simply act it out. I don't get it. I mean ... to be an actor don't you fully immerse yourself in your character? If you do so ... I mean ... even if you just read the script ... the words spoken are phenomenally put together ... how could you not convert ... or drop out of the film because you don't believe.

Before you get the wrong idea ... it is not that the people are not LDS that bothers me ... I fully support any religion ... or even non-religion ... that any person claims themselves to. To each his own ... free speech ... right to choose ... I am for it all ... a person is a person ... they have every right to make their own decisions in life ... and no matter if I agree with choices or not I will support and love everyone ... that is the way I was raised ... that is the way my religion believes (if you don't believe that you should read our articles of faith ... we do believe it even if it doesn't seem it sometimes ... you should know that the gospel is perfect ... but the people are not ... I am not).

Away from that tangent ... back to my original ... I have so much passion and love for the Joseph Smith story ... for the work that came out of it ... for the life changing lesson that it taught me ... for the life changing word it brought to the world ... how could people portraying this story not share the same passion? How could they not watch their own movie and feel the spirit when Joseph Smith relays his story of a simple, unobtrusive fourteen year old self? How could you not be curious enough to read the book that Nathan so passionately asks Lydia to read? How could you not be excited when you hear that this church ... the church of Jesus Christ himself ... is to be reorganized? How would you not want to know for yourself? I guess I just don't get it.  These actors don't know the debt and breath of passion behind this story ... how can the properly portray that passion without knowing it. It seems unfair to the people who do believe this story to have it presented by people who don't ... it actually seems even more unfair to the people who don't believe ... you are missing some of the passion.

I will leave you now with my Testimony ... hopefully that will help the lack that I now feel ... I want everyone to know that I believe with all my heart in the truth behind the story of Joseph Smith, I know that he was a prophet of God, that he restored the Christs church after the state of apostasy that happened when all of Christ's apostles had passed away. I know that Christ has appointed a prophet today, and that his name is Thomas S. Monson, that he has apostles as well. I know that this is the true Church of Christ. I know that I will be with my family and those I love for all eternity ... that Christ died for my sins which allows for that plan of happiness. I know that without this church I would be lost .... That even through my struggles I can count of the Lord and he will help carry me through. I love this gospel with all I am ... with every fiber of my being ... I know it to be true. It contains so much happiness within it ... so much happiness for me and my family ... and everyone who will seek it out and seek the truth.

Ok ... I'll end it with that ... sorry for the fragmented post ... but thank you for allowing me to get it out! Have a fantastic night my dear friends!