So to start ... I fell asleep last night at 9:30 ... 9:30 ... this mom stuff is no joke ... I shouldn't be this tired this early! I'm only 24! That is the reason why I didn't post last night ... yea ... I still can't believe 9:30 either! But what I was wanting to write about last night was E and her fit throwing ... so I'll do that now.
Whenever E goes to her mom's house for longer than one night there is a dramatic change within her behavior. Not last weekend but the one before she was with her mom for 3 night ... The child who came back was not the child I sent ... this was the worst I have ever seen E behave since we have had her ... everything became a burden to her, everything a chore ... she no longer liked anything ... and so tears and angry voices were exchanged up to ten times a day (this is not an exaggeration) ... let me give you an example ... E would be getting ready for school and her comments would go like this "I'm still tired, I don't want to eat, I want to eat, I hate that cereal, I don't want to eat that, I don't like these clothes, I don't want to go to school, I want to go to school, your hurting my hair, why can't I wear makeup, etc." ... and this was just before school ... it was like this all day everyday ... negative commentary for everything with intermittent tears and throwing herself on the ground. All of this didn't just last a couple of days like normal ... no ... this behavior has lasted up until yesterday. Again, no exaggeration. Just about two full weeks of this behavior ... I think I managed fairly well in the beginning, the first week ... but then I started to hit the end of my rope ... I was fraying from the inside out ... My voice levels began to elevate as well ... I got more and more frustrated with this situation that I have gotten myself into.
On Tuesday of this week I made a desperate plea to my mother friends on facebook ... I had officially lost it ... she called me mean and I lost it ... got straight up from the chair where I was doing her hair, locked myself in my bedroom, and cried for 20 minutes straight while she did likewise outside the door (only difference was that my cry was silent [I don't like her to see me cry ... long story that maybe I will tell one day] and hers was filled with anger and trying to calm down ... I even got my very first "run away" threat ... didn't know they did that at four) ... I now had no clue what to do so I turned to R and my friends ... the answers I got were diverse and helpful. I have decided that I am going to do an experiment with E ... see which way works the best ... and maybe help some moms out there too!
What I plan to do is do a week with each answer ... here they are ... In the order I plan to do them:
- Ignoring her ... but right before I ignore her telling her that I will only talk to her when she is calm (Thanks Karinne and Meredith!)
- Sending her to her room with a book to calm down (Thanks Laura!)
- Give her the option between calming down or something horrible ...like scrubbing the bathroom floor (can a four year old do that?) (thanks Amanda!)
- Make a "Yes Chart" ... every time she chooses to listen and obey instead of throwing a fit then she gets to put a sticker on a chart and so many stickers gets her something special (Thanks Elizabeth!)
Now ... I should clarify ... E's behavior changes when she is with us for extended period of time without going to see her mom ... usually it only takes her a couple of days to get back to normal (fewer to no fits ... and an all over more positive outlook on life) from being with her mom ... but this time she took much much longer ... I don't want this to be the new transition period ... I know I should let her take as long as she needs ... but tomorrow she goes back to see her mom (yes ... I am slightly dreading what will return to me) ... I only got two days of "normal" E ... I don't think for my own sanity I could have her take another two weeks to transition to a positive attitude ... and so this is the real reason why I am doing this experiment ... ha ... I always seem to do things for selfish reasons don't I!
9:30pm, I love it. It is amazing how exhausting being a mom can be. So I love that I will get to learn from you for my upcoming years of tantrums w/ Layla. Thank you for doing this experiment. And I'm so sorry it's been so rough the last week & a half--I had no idea!! So I don't have a facebook but I go on Chris's still sometimes -- can I friend request you from his so that I can see all these great comments also? Since I know you don't like to respond to comments, I'll ask you next time I see you :) If you have any time tomorrow after E's school & before she goes w/ other momma, maybe we can go hang out outside.
ReplyDeletesooo ... I totally didn't know there was a reply button to comments so I have been replying by just posting comments myself ... haha ... like the one below! haha ... so yea ... got it now!
Deleteok, ok Sar ... I'll try to get better at commenting back! ha! of course you can friend request me on his! Em wants to walk to the big park tomorrow ... so maybe we can do that around 2? I'll text you!
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about sitting her down and talking to her about the situation? Maybe she is too young for this but would it help to say something like "when you are at our house you need to act different than when you are at your moms house. When you are at our house, we expect you to _________, _____, and _______. Your mom may not have you do that when you are at her house but that is the rule at our house and when you come home from your moms we (R and you-Amy) will not let you act the way you act at your moms house because we believe that you can be a kind person, that you can be a happy person, and that you can do hard things. (You are kind, you are happy, you can do hard things) =) And then remind her of those things when she leaves to her moms house ("You are kind, you are happy, and you can do hard things!") and also remind her of those things on the way home from her moms house- "Remember how you act when you are at our house? You are kind, you are happy, you can do hard things" Haha it can become a cute saying for your two to always recite together. So when she does come home from her mom's house and starts behaving badly you can remind her "Oh, remember at our house that you can do hard things! So until you can show me that you can do hard things and clean your room like I asked you then I am going to ignore you until you can show me that you can clean your room. And remember if you need help, I am always here for you." And when she does finally make the good choice, praise praise praise ("Wow E! Look how you made the good choice to work hard and clean your room like I asked! I am so proud of you! You deserve a treat") =) Hope this helps. Eventually she will realize that she needs to act different when she is in the two different enviornments and eventually she will realize that your way of doing things (expecting her to be kind, happy, and hard working) is the better way to go because it helps her be a better person and more like Jesus. And then in a couple years, hopefully she will bring her Christlike behavior over to her mom's house and into all enviornments in her life wherever she goes- school, play, work when she is older. Keep sticking with it! The way that you are teaching her how to act will help her for the rest of her life. She needs to learn that if she wants to get something then she needs to be kind, happy, and hard working. And remember, this change in her behavior isn't going to happen quickly...it took her 4 years to learn how to act this way- expect the same amount of time for her to learn how to act a different way. Parenting is a life long process. Don't give up just because it isn't working in the time frame you would like it to. Find your own way of doing things- take all our suggestions and choose which ones you feel are best for you, talk to R and decide what is best for your family, and pray for help and guidance in deciding what sorts of discipline to take and stick with them and don't give up. Here is a thought I just had too- Teach E to pray and ask for help in making good choices, to ask for help when she is having a bad day, and to ask for help when she is angry. Maybe it would help both of you to kneel down and say a prayer in the moment that you can't take it anymore. Say "E, I have a feeling that we need to pray and ask for help with getting ready for school today." And even if she is kicking and screaming and refuses to participate you kneel down and say a prayer right in front of her anyway and don't make her do it with you but just do it in front of her. And if you keep doing it she will remember that about you- that you taught her how to rely on her Father in Heaven for help with even the small things in life like geting ready for school. I dunno, that's something I would like to do with my kids someday. It seems like an absurd idea but really, those are the moments when you need to pray most. Let me know if it works =)
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