Tuesday, April 2, 2013

In Which I Discuss Happiness

As soon as I turned onto I-10 it started ... it was that highway that would take me to the border of Texas and away from my parents again ... tears began to fall. My beautiful cousin said "no matter how old I get I will always cry whenever say goodbye to my mom" ... I know how she feels ... tears. 

About ten hours into the drive home I began really thinking about it ...  I spent practically the entire two weeks I was in Texas missing my beloved hubby ... and now I was on my way to see him and all I could think about was how much I missed my parents and brother. That's when it hit me ... again ... You need to learn how to be happy with where you are at. 

A couple of months ago I was talking to a couple of my recipe group friends ... we were discussing why Logan was so awful ... multiple reasons were cited ... it is claustrophobic (you don't leave Logan unless you have to leave) ... but the main reason we talked about was because it felt like a waiting place ... you come here for school and then you leave ... people are always coming and leaving ... it's like a revolving door up here ... but with that it is very difficult to feel like Logan is home ... when you are here it is very easy to only imagine the day when you get to leave. I must admit I was caught in this trap ... from the moment I married my first husband I was ready to leave Logan ... it was too small for me ... I knew it wasn't going to be the place I ended up ... and so I wanted to be past that stage in my life ... I dreamed of the day I would get out. 

With that dreaming it became very difficult to be happy with where I was at in life ... I knew I was destined for something better so lets just have that happen already. But thinking like that really does a number on a person ... I mean ... becoming so dissatisfied with where you are at in life could send a person into a depression death spiral ... imagine disliking almost ever situation you are in ... how does life become any better even when you are in a "better" situation? Well ... the answer is you don't ... what I have come to believe is that if you can't be happy with where you are and what you have then you probably will never be happy with life. If you're not waiting for that house on the hill then you could be waiting for retirement ... but from there you could just be waiting for death ... it's a never ending spiral. 

And so to my epiphany ... about three weeks ago I was sitting on the couch feeling like I wasn't capable of doing anything by myself ... chained to the television and the cell phone ... possibly I saw those as an escape ... but that is neither here nor their ... we were searching and searching for jobs but were getting nothing ... We got an amazing deal with an apartment ... but then got told that we couldn't take it because of Rs job ... R and I had hit a rough patch ... not as a couple ... individually ... which affected us as a couple ... example: he was so stressed that a conversation that would normally take three minutes would take us three hours ... it was rough ... we were starting that death spiral I was talking about. So, sitting on the couch, it hit me ... like a ton of bricks ... I needed to be happy with where I was at or else nothing was going to change ... there would be no progression ... so I did what any other red blooded American girl would do ... I called my mom ... not only did she agree with me but she also expanded upon my thoughts ... she said that as a woman who is deciding to stay home and run the family while wishing success for my husbands career that I was to become the CEO of my family ... that hit me like a ton a bricks ... it's not like I didn't cook and clean before ... but now I realized that there was so much more I had to do ... and it all started with being happy. 

If there is anything I have learned throughout my life it is that happiness is a choice ... you can choose whether or not you are going to be happy in a situation or not ... it's called looking at the positives ... glass half full ... which I know I have claimed to be in the past ... and I still believe that I am one ... it just gets a little bit harder when you are in the middle of trials ... I think I didn't notice how negative I was actually becoming ... again ... neither here nor there ... So I decided to make myself happy ... keep myself busy ... get myself healthy ... put the phone and shows down ... immersed myself in the life I am currently living ... learning how to accept Logan as the place I now live. And so I made a schedule ... a routine for my life that has every minute nailed down ... It may have only been a week and a half (I am so not counting those two weeks in Texas) but I think that my life my have altered ... it has been amazing! Not only have I been working on my mindset but staying active has been helping with that. 

Now, before you think that I am just touting how amazing I am you should know that I am not ... not even close ... I struggle daily ... with little things ... this morning it was my shins because I have taken up running again ... but not only that I have a little girl who thinks it is acceptable to throw huge fits every time I say no ... it is not an easy thing to choose happiness ... in fact I think staying angry at the world may be a lot easier ... but it is worth it. If you are looking for a place to start there is something that always helped me when the trial was more than I could bear ... before I went to bed at night I would think of my day and write down five wonderful things that happened, from there I would get down on my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for those moments ... the next day hold onto those five things from the day before, there they would serve as a reminder that wonderful things can happen even on the darkest of days. 

With that I wish you a happy and magnificent day my friends ... remember to keep smiling!