Monday, March 4, 2013

Hot Topic Monday: I want a baby ... almost

Children ... blessings of the world ... sweet ... innocent ... tender .... love.

Except ... that is not what I really think ... well ... halfway ... maybe I have just been thrust into realism with the entrance of  a four year old into our lives. I think that everyone knows how I really feel about kiddos ... if you don't ... well ... read my blog ... you'll get the idea real quick! However, these feelings have not stopped my womb from calling out to me ... maybe it is because I am twenty-five (ouch ... did I just say that out loud). The bad thing ... well ... I think I have been wanting this little creature for all the wrong reasons.

Before I carry on ... I should clarify for a few people that R and I had talked about this subject before our trip to Texas. Middle of last year ... about a month or two after we got E full time ... we decided that it would be beneficial to the normalcy of our new family to add a baby ... what we forgot to figure into this equation is the mental health of the mother.

Again ... going into my marriage I knew R had a kid ... but that didn't mean that my rose colored glasses weren't on ... I knew the attributes of Rs previous spouse ... but I still thought she would give us three years before signing over her rights ... it took her three months ... at least I got the three part right. I was not ready for kiddos ... everyone knows that I spent the majority of time from the ages of twelve to twenty taking care of other peoples kids ... I babysat ... I worked in daycare's ... I worked in kids clubs ... I worked in preschools ... yea ... I loved kids ... I loved the kids I babysat ... I still wonder how they are doing to this day (facebook stalk some of them ... maybe ... but not in a creepy way). Regardless ... it was that last and final job of taking care of adults with disabilities that threw me over the edge ... I no longer wanted kids ... seriously ... like ... never. That didn't stop me from marrying R ... from raising his daughter ... it has just made it a little more difficult ... we all have our Goliath to face.

But I digress ... we decided to have a baby ... but it was a bad idea. I feel very blessed to have a mother who is no-holds-bar with her feelings ... most people don't understand how our family talks to each other ... but it works for us. With the help of my ever vigilant mother R and I were able to realize that having a baby was not exactly the best idea yet. We chose to have a baby for the benefit of E ... we wanted her to have siblings close to her age so maybe we could all meld better ... and there is nothing wrong with that ... it is ok to do things for the sake of your children ... as long as it won't put you in the psych ward for the duration of her childhood. And so, after much praying, R and I decided that we are going to hold of for a little bit on the child front.

But then something happened ... all of a sudden I craved a dang baby ... I know how difficult they are ... I know that babies don't fix things ... I know that I would struggle just as I do now. I said before that I want a baby for all the wrong reasons ... let me tell you the reasons. I live away from my immediate family ... I miss them ... like crazy ... all the time ... my sister ... my brother ... my parents ... sometimes I miss them all so much it hurts. I have had to sequester myself to my house because E has been having a couple of growing pains ... this means no adult interaction ... it is amazing how my eyeballs are still in my head. E ... although she and I have been getting better ... well ... like I said ... growing pains ... she doesn't like me ... and makes it very apparent ... every time I say something there is a complaint (we have changed her fit chart to promote a good attitude) ... it I had a quarter for the amount of times she has said "I hate you" in the past two months, I would probably be a millionaire (I know that this is not unusual from a teenager ... but remember ... E is only four). I haven't talked to my bff in over a month and a half. R works too much (eight consecutive hours is too much for me ... don't forget ... I am still a newlywed) ... and he travels ... he is now going to NY again ... I was going to go with him ... but it was way too much money (one thousand dollar ticket anyone?).

I know that this was just a jumbled list of reasons ... if it even makes sense that these are reasons at all ... but what it is, is that all of these things boil down to the fact that I am craved for love (Remembering of course that I know that I am dang fabulous ... I mean ... come on ... have you met me ... I know I rock! Believe me when I say I love myself). I know that a babies love is unconditional ... at least ... that is what I have heard ... so I want a baby for the love it brings .... I know my family loves me ... I know R loves me ... heck ... I even know E loves me in her own way ... but when it is not right in front of your face all the time (when the love feeling is overwhelmed with angry hate daggers that fly at you constantly like Chinese death stars) it gets easily forgotten. my thoughts behind having a baby would be to try and remove the death stars ... to bring someone who is going to love me unconditionally all the time and it will be right in front of my face all the time. I am a sensitive person ... sometimes I need this ... especially on the days where there seems to be nothing but dark clouds of hatred encircle me. Wow ... that all sounded really depressing ... I should liken it to that saying that if you say negative things about yourself enough times people start to believe you ... and then eventually you start to believe you ... I think that that is how it feels like ... when you spend all of your time with one person and the feelings that person has towards you are rarely pleasant it would eventually wear on you ... after over a month and a half it has begun to wear on me ... hence the baby notion popped into my head again.

But that is exactly why I should not have a baby ... I mean ... again ... babies don't fix things ... I have to work on me ... on being ok with being me and being the kind of parent I am that makes E not like me so much. I need understand that when having a baby is not like I imagine (as it rarely ever is ... sorry if I burst bubbles).

That is alright though ... I mean ... being a parent is one of the most fulfilling things that anyone can ever do in their lives ... I fully believe that children are angels in our lives ... it is so amazing to watch E grow and change and figure out who she is going to be ... to see that light in her eyes that she carries ... I may not like children at this point in my life ... but I sure do love them ... and I know how important they are in our lives.

I also know how important it is to be ready to have kiddos ... being a mother is giving of yourself one hundred and fifty percent of the time. It is the most unselfish calling you can ever have. You have to be prepared to put that child first at all times (within the bonds of sanity) ... Mothers are angels ... I know this ... because I have an angel mother of my own. I want to be like her ... She loved spending time with us so much that she hated when the summer ended ... she would cry when we had to go back to school ... I know that I am not at this stage yet ... I try so hard to not be relieved when E is at school or at her moms. I want to be a selfless person ... I want to have the ability to put down the phone and to pick up a barbie (not saying I don't do this ... but I would like to do it more often) ... I pray for it ... I strive for it ... I try to be better everyday ... to play just ten extra minutes ... but I am not there yet ... I am absolutely getting there ... but I am not there yet ... be patient with me.

So now you know ... I may have a craving-ish type thing for a baby ... but I know I am not ready for the hard things.

Things to take away:

  1. Babies don't fix things.  This was the main thing that I needed to realize that I am doing by wanting a baby ... by R and I almost trying to have a baby. E is a product of two people trying to fix a broken marriage ... R will always tell you that it made it one hundred times harder. I am a firm believer ... when I get my head out of my own imaginations ... that this is the case. We are a selfish people ... parenthood is unselfish ... completely unselfish ... can you imagine trying to fix something about you without having much time in your own head to even think about yourself? A parent (and this part I do know by experience) is constantly worried and wondering about their child and the life thereof ... there is very little time in my own head to think about me ... therefore how in the heck could I fix me with two of them in my life?
  2. Be ready to have kids before you jump in. I think that that is pretty self explanatory. Just be ready because you have to give up a great deal yourself (I'll say it again ... within the bonds of sanity ... it is important to pamper yourself too) and your time for your children ... if you are not ready for that I fear that resentment may start to grow ... and resentment, no matter who it is geared towards, is an awful thing.