I know I blogged earlier ... but later I realized that today was not, in fact, Saturday ... can you believe it? I couldn't either ... having the hubby home during the week really throws me for a loop! Upon this realization I had yet another one ... it is Monday! You know what that means ... it's time for a hot topic! I haven't done this in a while ... so bear with me!
It has been brought to my attention that I may be making people angry when I talk about my struggles with my step-daughter ... specifically saying that I don't want her right now. Now, I apologize if I have offended you in this regard ... if I have ... I am now going to politely ask you to eat my shorts and tell you that if you are not going through it then you have no right to get angry (let's be honest ... it's only hurting you if you are getting angry ... because it actually doesn't bother me ... I know ... surprised me too) ... and if you are going through it ... well ... I am sure you are not getting offended!
I will now go through the process of explaining why you should not get angry.
First ... there is something that you must know about me ... when I say something out loud it tends to make it better (I get over things faster when I talk about them) ... like when I talked about my flashes from my divorce I have ... You should know that since I have said it out loud and gotten it out I have yet to have another one (not to say that they are gone forever ... but it makes it better). I think that everyone can benefit from not bottling things in ... I mean ... haven't there been studies ... I won't say there have been because I don't know ... maybe I'll go look it up sometime. But seriously ... bottling things in is like shaking a soda ... eventually if you shake it enough it is going to burst ... whoops ... there goes your soda/emotions everywhere (you can not tell me that when you bottle your emotions up you don't think about whatever it is that is irking you at least twice a day ... shake, shake buddy) ... I wonder who will receive the brunt of that blown load ... oh that's right ... the person who was with you when the last shake was made. That may be relieving for the soda but sure as heck not for the person who now has soda all over them ... Imagine if that person was E ... Imagine that I didn't take the time every once and a while to voice what a struggle it is for me to be in this ... I am not a monster ... but I am sure that I would be when the inevitable snap came. It may be hard for people to hear that I struggle with having a step-child but it helps me to say it out loud.
As for you who say "well, what if she reads this one day" ... to that I say ... I hope she does ... I hope that one day we can look back on this together and see how we have both grown together (she does not want me right now either ... that is no secret) ... show her how flowers really can grow from ashes (positive thinking my friends). I realize that that moment should not come until E is in her thirties ... what happens if she reads it earlier ... well ... she and I are in for a big talk aren't we. It is just as likely if I were to write a journal about these things ... I mean ... I found things of my parents that should not have been found ... I won't say what ... lets just say it wasn't dirty ... but lets move on anyway! But those objects were not on the computer at all ... they were things that my mom had written or something they were hiding from prying eyes ... so why is is so bad that my journal is on the internet? Either way you get your feelings out ... and I have to get my feelings out ... Why not put it out there to help people ... which brings me to my second point.
Two ... I write this blog in hopes that it will help someone ... to let people know that they are not alone in their struggles ... to let them know that there is someone who has been there and is there and is there for them. I could not imagine how depressed I would fully be if I felt like I was alone in my feelings ... I mean ... it already kills me that I feel this way in the first place ... but if I felt like I was the only person in the world who felt this way then I would probably be on the verge of suicide (thank you so much dear friend [my parents told me to omit the name .. but you know who you are] for letting me know I am not alone ... I really do love you). How do you not want a precious tender four-year-old? What kind of person are you? I may sound like a tree-hugging hippie here ... but I just want everyone to be happy and healthy and get a long ... I know that I do not have a hard life ... if fact ... my life is pretty blessed ... but I have been through some stuff ... my family has been through some stuff ... we are a little damaged ... and, as I always say, if I can help at least one person go through what I have gone through with this blog I will be satisfied. Life is an uphill battle for everyone, why not help each other a little.
Third ... I know myself remarkably well. My mom is a strong and smart woman ... whenever we have a conversation and I find myself complaining to her she always asks what I did wrong in the given situation ... sometimes this is mega frustrating ... I mean ... can't I just vent mom? Overall, however, I am soo very very grateful she does this. By her doing this it has opened my eyes ... I mean ... obviously there is never just one person who is wrong in any situation ... there is always fuel that makes a fire burn ... by me being better able to recognize my follies I am so much quicker to grow, change, and, most importantly, forgive. When I recognize my wrong and forgive the other person and myself I am able to, again, overcome my obstacles faster (believe me ... I am not perfect ... and this does not always happen ... but I am getting pretty good at it). How does this help in my argument ... well ... I know when it comes to E I am one hundred percent in the wrong ... I know that I am being selfish in my feelings ... I know that I need to grow up and I need to, as I was telling a friend this week, put on my big girl panties and get over it. I also know that I have gotten myself into this situation ... I chose to marry R knowing that he came with her .. and I would honestly do it again ... but that does not make it easier. I recognize that E is completely the innocent here ... that everyday I choose to struggle is a day that I choose to hurt her a little. It kills me completely that I feel this way ... I struggle and pray and struggle and pray ... every day. I try ... every day ... I recommit ... every day ... and that is the point ... that I recognize what I am doing wrong ... and I try ... as I said before, life is an uphill battle ... I will fight every single gosh darn day to make things better for my little family ... and part of my fight is getting my feelings out ... so ... deal.
Finally ... you should also now that E knows nothing but love from me. When I was growing up I had (actually ... I probably still have) a severe case of middle child syndrome ... when I would talk to my parents about how I felt I always prefaced it with "it's not about the love" because no matter how alone I felt I always knew how much my parents loved me. That is how it is with E ... I love her so very very much ... I may not quite be on the level of "came from my womb" but my love for her grows every single day. This ties back to my first point about letting emotions out ... because I do that I am able to show E nothing but love ... I am able to get over myself throughout the day if I have a night full of venting. I love her ... plain and simple.
I hope that I have better informed you ... I hope that you can understand why I do what I do ... I love my blog ... I love feeling like I can help someone ... but if you still disagree with my decision to post my feelings online ... well ... I don't make you read this blog ... so don't read it anymore.
Things to take away:
- Don't let what other people think bother you. This is super difficult ... I struggle with this all the time ... I think it's part of my disease to please ... yet it is so important ... I realized with this situation that I am starting to care less and less about what people think about me. I mean ... I think that there is a difference between respect of people and not caring about what they think of you ... you should always be respectful of other people and their feelings ... but you don't have to care what they think about you. I am still going to write personal things on this blog ... I am still going to post about my struggles ... I may even still say some times that I don't want the situation I am in.
- It is ok to struggle. Remembering of course that if you are the adult in the situation you are the accountable party. As an adult in a circumstance where both E and I struggle I know that I am the one who is held to the higher standard because of my knowledge ... because of my age ... because I am her mom. It is expected of an adult to be able to overcome oneself ... it is ok for E to not want me right now ... but it is not ok for me to not want her. However, it is ok to struggle ... life, again ... as I have said before, is an uphill battle ... getting over things is never easy even if you are the adult in the situation ... just make sure that the child never knows your struggle.
- It is ok to get your feelings out. In fact ... you should get your feelings out ... there are more ways than writing to do it. Anything that helps relieve the stress of the everyday is good for you ... whether it is talking to a friend ... running like mad at the gym... going to a gun range and shooting ... screaming into a pillow ... I mean ... pick your poison ... there is a lot out there. What you have to do is take responsibility for your actions ... if you choose to write like I do you have to be prepared for backlash ... or for some little person finding your words one day and having to have a big chat. As long as you accept the consequences that come with your chosen stress release then I think you are good to go ... but remember ... for every actions there is a consequence ... prepare yourself.